Death by Lenny

Since I was a child my luxurious hair has always been a source of admiration and envy. It is mousey and cascades, like a thousand adorable mice swimming over a waterfall of molten gold, from the crown of my head to the shrug of my shoulders. When I was thirteen, the disgraced pop singer Gary Glitter tried to procure some of it so that he might weave a splendid toupe with which to screen his odious pate. I refused, reasoning that he would use the wig for evil, and he went away crestfallen and weeping.

One day I took a wrong turning on my way to the newsagents and found myself in Depression-era rural America. “Oh shit” I exclaimed as I spotted George and Lenny from Of Mice and Men walking towards me in dungarees and arguing about beans. “Hide, hide before Lenny sees your wondrous mane” my brain shouted at my body. But it was too late. Like a swine catching his first sniff of a nearby truffle, Lenny immediately sensed the presence of me and my prized ringlets lurking in the hedges. His heavy, unwieldy legs bounded over to where I stood.

“George. I never seen anything like it” he said

“Leave him alone Lenny” said George, who grew increasingly concerned.

“You got real purdy hair mister. Purdier than them rabbits who had to go away”

“Please, I must get going now” I said “I really must insist on it”

“I gots to pet it” he howled, gazing, it must be conceded, like somewhat of a rapist at my hair as it stood fluffing uncontrollably and flirting wantonly with the visible spectrum.

“Nooooo” I shouted as Lenny’s hairy hydraulic paws blocked out the sun and grasped at my tragic bouffant. His petting was as thorough and invasive as Steinbeck had suggested. And yet, and yet… I was still alive. “I might make it” I thought.

This proved to be premature. As I wriggled uncomfortably and ruminated on the possibility of surviving the ordeal I failed to note the descending death-stroke, the mortal pet as it swept from my widow’s peak towards my light, sparkling hind-curtains.

I fell, as limp as a stringy puppet, to the forest floor. George and Lenny scuttled away,  once again, to a whole new town and a whole new petting-related nightmare. I lay lifelessly: a lonely corpse with exquisite hair.


4 Responses to “Death by Lenny”

  1. jlebaptiste Says:

    Studying ‘Of Mice and Men’ for your GCSEs? Then use the following as your bitesize study guide:

    Themes: hair, petting, big legs

    Message: large simpletons with hair fetishes = danger

    Metaphors: hair = Roosevelt; Curly’s vaseline glove = Jazz era; dead rabbits = Steinbeck’s sad life

    Try adapting the following sentence. It will undoubtedly prove a hit with your examiners:

    Steinbeck creates a semantic field of hair through the repetition of the word ‘hair’, which he places on the heads of his characters. The repeated sound ‘m’ in the title of Of Mice and Men creates connotations of a man with his mouth sewed together who is trying to talk nonetheless.
    ‘Mmmmmm’ he is saying, ‘mmmm’. When I read the first line of ‘Of Mice and Men’ I can picture everything he is describing in my mind.

  2. oldrope Says:

    I fnd ur stdy notes on da net an me use dem in me X ams, well wikid ha ha ha lolz! but wot I downt get bruv, is why e eats so many m&ms? duz e not fink smarties is well sicker?

  3. oldrope Says:

    fuc u, u stupid gene lebapdick i jus finded out i well failid me inglish x am now an itz ur fault!!!!!! u stupid french fuk

    Me mum sez she is totali gon take u 2 court and soo u fcuface cos itz ur folt, I rote wat u sed 😛

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Really? Did you include the bit about Curly’s vaseline glove? That’s the doozy.

    Allow me to make amends by providing you with some more study notes:

    (a) Lenny likes his beans with sauce because he has no sauce in his brain after that horse kicked him when he was young and so his brain is like a dry bean without sauce. Steinbeck is trying to say that without brain sauce what hope do we have. Society is sauce-ist.

    (b) When George shoots Lenny at the end of the novel it is humane. This is because he uses a special bullet that makes Lenny have nice dreams about rabbits before he dies.

    (c) When Lenny kills rabbits it is problematic because he didn’t want to kill them he just wanted to pet them some George, “I just wanted to pet them some George” (p.34)

    I hope this helps young friend.

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