Death by Dragon

dragon toyWith my faithful sword Wyrmslayer poking valiantly out of my gauntlet and my habergeon opened to the cool enchanted breezes, I set off in quest of a dragon. My plan was to steal one of its eggs, fry it and then eat it in a gigantic sandwich to win the favours of my beloved Princess Swine-Master. Gratuitous culinary extravagance was always the way to my sweetheart’s sweet heart.

After countless days and night wandering through vernal valleys and gnarled forests, I finally arrived at the dragon’s lair. The beast who resided herein was an especially formidable species of dragon, with a snout as long as a diving board and gas pouches as capacious as the testicles of a mammoth with mumps. This particular individual went by the name of Grorr-beard.

“Grorr-beard” I shouted into the dark recesses of her abode “I am come to take your egg. But first I shall destroy you with my blade which was forged for eons in the smithies of Berkshire.”

Grorr-beard was not happy. She swooped out of her cave, did a somersault in the air and incinerated me with her fiery breath. I died instantly.

Subsequently, Princess Swine-Master ended up marrying an eccentric inventor of sweets called Mr Muff. Gutted.

Let my woeful tale serve as an admonition to all of the over-reachers among you: Don’t take on a dragon (unless you know a spell that can protect you from its fiery breath).

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5 Responses to “Death by Dragon”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Normally I would contend that dragons are naught but massive woofs. “Woof the magic dragon!” as those old folk singers used to rap, with their lutes and beats. But I once met Grorr-beard and she was a mean assed beach. Tore my jaw bone and lanced my peach. “Back off lass,” I did beseech. But she ripped my undies and my chastity was breached.

    I was never quite the same.

  2. jlebaptiste Says:

    I’ll wager not.

  3. spicyeggnog Says:

    Gadzooks! Your wyrm pokes anything but valiantly out of your crusty cod-piece – you deserve no less than a public incinerating for such unabashed ludity.

  4. jlebaptiste Says:

    It’s ‘lewdness’ as in ‘ee-yew I can see your wyrm’, not ludity as in ‘oo, fruit pastilles’.

  5. spicyeggnog Says:

    Some may find fruit pastilles quite lewd. I know I do, the sugary fruity little minxes…

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