Death by Paddington Bear

Here’s a poem about being killed by Paddington:

Talons and tendrils in the palpitating forest

And I, half a Hansel with nary a Gretel to

Oven-bake the beast. Or was that the witch?

Why didn’t I listen at school?

How do you repel a bear attack, sir?

It was Biles what done it, sir.


A picnic hampered my ill-thought out engagement plan

And my sweet honey was bitten by the beast

Just as I fished a ring out of a bucket of pikes.

Fortunately I managed to hide inside a Tupperware box

Alongside some old sugarpuffs and a herring’s half-eaten arse-fin.

On the downside I smell like honey and herring’s bum.

And now Paddington’s sniffing my lid and fanging at the aperture.

He’s squeaking in his Wellingtons like an ursine pervert.

He’s flashing a hirsute paunch beneath his duffel coat


"with mighty maul / The monster merciless him made to fall" Spenser, The Faerie Queene

Like a right wrong ’un. He’s eating me.

I wouldn’t have got this sort of treatment from Rupert.


4 Responses to “Death by Paddington Bear”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Were you a two dimensional cardboard cut like all the other non-Paddington characters?

  2. jlebaptiste Says:

    That’s a bit harsh. The characters on Paddington are well-rounded fully psychologically-developed figures. Apart from that Paddington.

  3. oldrope Says:

    He’s a fucking sell-out whore flea bag. Who does he think he is? I bet he sleeps in a cage lined with pound notes after agreeing to be Marmite’s bitch. Motherfucker’s stand up comedy will never be taken seriously again. Silly old bear…. oh wait hang on

  4. jlebaptiste Says:

    When I went on holiday aged 12, I was followed about by a stray dog which was in a seemingly constant state of constipation. He used to look directly at me with little bloodshot eyes while fruitlessly trying to shit, his little legs trembling all the while with the effort. Some of the older children at the resort named him Flea Bag. You reminded me of him. Thanks for taking me back to a more innocent time Old Rope.

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