Death by Crispy Pancakes

Here’s a warning in poem form of the dangers of eating crispy pancakes.

Hot curd! Hot curd everywhere

And not a beaker of ribena in sight

Wherewith to slake my broiled beak.

Perhaps you would like a nice cool salad

My old mother asked

Nay mother, says I,

Today I shall feast like a King

Like a very Sun-King resplendent

In all his glossy Gallic finery

Make it Crispy Pancakes, Mam,

And make ’em hotter than that there fiery orb

That illuminates the heavens and giveth life

To all creatures, no matter how small and flimsy.

Are you sure son, she replied, remember what happened

Last time when you had that toastie and you cried 

Because a hot bit of mushroom fell down your shirt

And hurt your belly button?

Nay mother, says I, I have sprakethed

And crispy pancakes it shall be.

Crispy pancakes it was,

Followed, upon infernal steeds,

By mouth burns, brain-besizzlement,

Much weeping and gnashing of teeth

And, ultimately,

Death.

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4 Responses to “Death by Crispy Pancakes”

  1. jlebaptiste Says:

    Studying crispy pancakes for your GCSEs? If so, you might find the following bitesize study guide useful:

    Captain Birdseye wrote Crispy Pancakes in 1936 in response to the demoralisation suffered by the international left-wing community following the Spanish Civil War. He was determined not to let Franco win, so he composed a delicious egg and flour based novel that would fill the minds of ex-international brigadiers up with inspiring cheese. In chapter 5 he writes: “Franco can shove an egg-whisk up his blackshirt for all I care. This shit be crispy. The workers of the world have nothing to lose but their appetites. Chow down on these here crispy pancakes and ye shall never walk alone again”.

    Forty-odd years later, Franco, the “fat shit-eating fascist-weasel of the twentieth century” (David Starkey), died. Coincidence?

  2. pariahrustbucket Says:

    ‘Make it Crispy Pancakes, Mam,
    And make ’em hotter than that there fiery orb
    That illuminates the heavens and giveth life
    To all creatures, no matter how small and flimsy.’

    Brilliant and inspired lines, Sir. Milton would have given his right eye for such lines, had he not been blind. Also, ‘this shit be crispy’ has to be the best piece of propaganda I’ve ever read.

  3. Doris Says:

    My friend Audrey was recently horribly disfigured by the Three Cheeses variety.

  4. jlebaptiste Says:

    Yikes. They’re the worst kind. Poor Audrey.

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