Death by Begging Letter 3

Here is the begging letter that finally tipped me over into posthumousness.

Dear Cousin John,

After all of the incredulity and the mocking and the accusations of fraud, our predictions have proven well-founded. Your Uncle Ignatius has lost his left leg in a tragic three-legged race accident. It was terrible John, it really was. He’d got through to the regional semi-finals with his three-legged race partner, Professor Braintree, and was approaching the finishing line in first place, when their respective right and left legs, which were tied together, snagged on a hoop of wurzel-grass and came flying off. It was awful to see them hopping around in agony like a pair of deranged monopods, John, it really, really was.

Well you know your Uncle Ignatius’s generosity John. It knows no bounds. He offered Professor Braintree the £10,000 prosthetic leg you bought him right then and there. “Take it, Professor” he said, “I wouldn’t have it any other way”. Actually, it wasn’t too difficult for Ignatius, because he’s gone off the idea of having a prosthetic leg. He’s been reading up on it. Apparently they can be more of a hindrance than a help. And there is of course the stigma.

After all of the kind things you have done for your Uncle Ignatius, I really feel quite cheeky asking you for this. But I know that, for you, generosity is its own reward, so I’ll just spit it out: How would you feel about donating your left leg to your poor old Uncle Ignatius? You’ve always been quite an indoorsy person, with your reading and your silly little blog, whereas your Uncle Ignatius is more of a Captain Scott/Pele kind of person, with his three-legged races and his brisk walks and such. And you know he has always talked about doing charity work with children, which requires a lot of walking and squatting. It would be very difficult for him to attend to the little ones who desperately need his help if his big clunking prosthetic leg was always getting in the way. A real, flesh leg would be a real boon for him and the charity sector in general..

Please, take some time to think about it. It is a big decision and not one you should rush into (although the sooner you could get the leg to him the less likely he will be to bleed to death).

Thanks Cousin John. You’re a real star. You must come round for cake some time.

Your cousin,



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2 Responses to “Death by Begging Letter 3”

  1. oldrope Says:

    So, are you a donor? Did he ever get the leg?

    PS Also, thanks for not reproducing any of my own correspondence with you in this series. Were my unfortunate circumstances to become public the situation could only be made worse by the knowledge I was forced to crawl on my dirty belly to some low-life, piss-blooded dead nobody like yourself. No offence like.

  2. jlebaptiste Says:

    From ‘The Correspondence of Old Rope, vol. 3’

    “Dear JLB,

    Please find enclosed: 1 sponge, 1 surgical glove, half a litre of TCP, 3 cotton swabs, 1 mini-tub: exfoliator, de-lousing powder, worming tablets, 1 mini-tub Oil of Ulay.

    My dirty belly and I will meet you in the swimming pool showerblock at 3.15 prompt. I trust you understand your role in all of this.

    I hate you,
    Old Rope”

    p.s. I did have my leg amputated and sent by recorded delivery to Uncle Ignatius, but after inspecting it for 20 minutes he said he’d pass on it if that was ok with me.

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