Death by Centaur Joke

One of your aristocratic centaurs

My friend Stephen and I like to invent centaur jokes. In the broad scheme of things, one would think that this were quite an innocent pastime. One would think wrong! When our quipping caught the attention of the Merseyside Centaur Community Association, we found ourselves in deep manure . Such was their consternation at the thought of two gangly ageing youths making light of their proud homo-equinicus heritage, that they stampeded and hoofed us into tiny bits. We died, of course. Without wishing to add insult to injury, here are some of our best centaur jokes:

*************************************

Q. Did you hear about the halfman-halfhorse rower who powered his boat using the power of smell?

A. Yes, it was a scent-oar.

***********************************

Q. Did you hear about the Nobel prize-winning Indian economist who went on holiday riding a beast that was halfman-halfhorse?

A. Yes, it was the Amartya Sen-Tour

**********************************

Q. Did you about the halfman-halfhorse who was a mailman by day and an Elvis impersonator by night?

A. Yes, I particularly enjoyed his rendition of ‘Return to Centaur’

**********************************

Q. How are baby halfman-halfhorses nourished in the womb?

A. Via the pla-centaur.

**********************************

Q. Did you hear about the irate ostler who threatened to murder a shopkeeper who would not comply with his request for some paint with which to change the colour of his halfman-halfhorse’s coat?

A. Yes, the ostler reputedly said ‘Assent or die’ (a centaur dye) in a threatening manner.

**********************************

Q. To which leisure complex did the halfman-halfhorse take his family on holiday?

A. Centaur Parcs.

***********************************

Q. Which late 1980s Manchester nightspot catered exclusively for halfman-halfhorses?

A. The Hacientaur

***********************************

Q. Did you hear about the murderous halfmanhalfhorse that carries a shell around on its back?

A. Yes, it’s the assassin-tortoise (assa-centaur-toise)!

*********************************

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , ,

11 Responses to “Death by Centaur Joke”

  1. Stephen Says:

    One thing centaurs have going for them is that they have the best of both worlds: opposable thumbs and massive genitalia. Sadly I have massive thumbs and opposable genitalia.

  2. jlebaptiste Says:

    Haw! Opposable genitalia is good when you want to get a dialectic going in the downstairs region.

  3. oldrope Says:

    I have double jointed genitalia. In that it has been cut off twice and joined back on again.

    This, for what it is worth (very little) is the Best Post Ever. I particularly liked the Assent or Die one. The more more laboured the more I laugh

  4. jlebaptiste Says:

    They do call you Old Segment Pants down at the Mah-Jong club, it’s true.

    Glad you like the Centaur Puns Ropey. I suspect the increased quality was due to the input of the mysterious punning rambler, Stephen.

  5. Centaur Humor: Death by Centaur Joke | Centaurica Says:

    […] you like to groan loudly I would avoid this link. Rate this: Like this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

  6. oldrope Says:

    Excellent pingback from a Centaur site, JLB, you know you’ve hit the nail on the head when you’ve turned the ear of serious centaur-ians

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Yeah, but what’s all that ‘groan’ business about? These puns are comedy gold. For your information, Centaurica, our wordplay is popular with a very high percentaurge of the halfhumanhalfhorse community.

  8. oldrope Says:

    Maybe they didn’t get it? Explain that they were puns.

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    OI CENTAURICA. I DONE A PUN, DIG?

  10. oldrope Says:

    This, courtesy of that there twitter:

    What do you get if you cross a horse with a footballer? A Centaur Forward

  11. jlebaptiste Says:

    That’s a nice one. Or rather it would be if football and all those who worship at its shrine didn’t make me vibrate with rage and nausea.

    Here’s one for all of the cockney barbers out there:

    Q.Wot do you facking get if you carefully create a divoiding loine down the median point of your ‘alfmanhalfhorse’s ‘ead, by gently manipulating the ‘airy strands with a toothed instrument?

    A. A facking centaur-parting, squoire.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: