Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Death by Christmas Stocking

January 9, 2012

PREZZIES! PREZZIES! PREZZIES!

As the child of emotionally feckless millionaires, my yearly Christmas stocking is less of a Christmas stocking and more of an obscenely herniatic horn of plenty that never runneth dry. Such was my bumper prezzie harvest in 2011, that I died from overexcitement. My brain simply couldn’t cope with the stimulation and imploded, like the genetically-impoverished heart valves of an inbred show-hound that has just seen itself in the mirror for the first time.

This is what I got for Christmas:

Flat-pack fully-submersible Dangle-Droid with removable, articulatable inseminator cannon.

A Blimp

JFK ‘Death in Dallas’ Cadillac Replica plus wetwipes.

All back-issues for the following alternative comix: Zurt, Wut?, Shluck, Funny Schmux, Creep ‘Zine, Fut, Snup!, Meat ‘n’ Great, Gallthtone Comicth, Zoich.

Jesus Sweatband

Authentic Huddie Leadbetter molar.

Two tickets to JFK Shoot-a-Rama theme park, plus discount vouchers for Lee Harvey Oswald Nuptial Suite in Bamborough Travelodge.

Puberty

Zesty Lemon Spray

Bog Baby Doll

Fluffed-out, billowsome shirt with tasteful epaulettes, wispy tails and Big Boy buttons.

Jackie Onassis-brand Brain Catcher